Hello Fear — I See the Depths of You

Photo credit: Paige Bradley, her personal site.

I enter into the world again after my 2 years of unlearning (as I like to call it). There is something I feel important to share, something that I cannot imagine openly admitting in my professional world before my unlearning years. This something is that…I’m scared. Yes, I have all the fear you would expect when starting something new — feeling wobbly on my legs, butterflies in my stomach, nervous to launch. These are all “safe” covers for a fear that has a depth I don’t often hear addressed.

The deeper fear that is almost crippling to me is how to go into the world with my new conscious awareness of power and faith. You see my 2 years of unlearning helped me remember lessons I had forgotten, surface treasures I had suppressed, and begin to reconstruct my conscious and creative life. During this time, I went back and reconsidered every part of the supporting structure of my carefully constructed world. No part of my life was off-limits. After close evaluation, I saw the fractures and instability of this structure I called my life. As the saying goes, once you see you cannot unsee and that is what happened to me. I was no longer able to ignore the fractures and structural instabilities so…I tore the whole thing down.

I sat, shifting through the rubble for months. From the rubble, I pulled my original childhood fascination and deep love about people. Along with that, I dusted off my years of dedication towards studying the phenomena of human experience. Under the fallen stones I rediscovered my favorite scholars and with new eyes dove into the possibilities found in their written word. Buried deep under piles of wood I reconnected with my entrepreneurial spirit and love of teaching. Inside torn down closets I set free and fully embraced my mystic connections. I sat with the light and the dark buried in these ruins. I allowed myself to freely, without agenda or timeline, wonder on: How might I rebuild? What might I do with all these things I’ve picked up along the way? How might I avoid or not be blind to the important fractures and structural instabilities again? What might I want to build? With whom might I want to build it? Who am I in this world? What is my greater calling? How might I build something that honors all of who I am and who I am evolving into?

With my wonderings as my guide, I started to rebuild. Now, I am setting intentions to build spaces that feel good. The first space is dedicated to my heart’s song, Empeiria. I co-founded Empeiria with a dear friend and long-time business partner Anita Glenn-Reller. At its core, our creation efforts with Empeiria are dedicated to deeply understanding the human experience and raising our collective consciousness. The second space is dedicated to exploring and sharing creative living blueprints for those wanting to live a life more driven by curiosity than fear.

These spaces bring me joy and I’ve been able to co-create them with the Universe and Anita in a safe place. For the most part, I’ve been off the radar from public eyes until now. Now it’s time to more openly share my spaces with the world. And as I open these spaces and engage with others, I want to carry with me and continue to nurture the discoveries that were brought into my full awareness as I sat in the rubble and as I rebuild. The summary of these discoveries are:

  • I release my notions that I am in control of things and can “make” it happen
  • I recognize that I have gifts and talents but these gifts and talents are not ‘mine’ and they do not define my worth
  • When I create it is really co-creation with the Universe
  • Validation (internal or external) are tricks of the ego. I need no further validation
  • I welcome joy and choose that which brings me joy
  • The light in me IS the light in others. The light in others is the light in me. I honor that light.
  • There is tremendous wisdom in doing “no-thing” — This is the powerful white space of my life
  • I am open to the guides all around me
  • The how is the only thing of true meaning
  • I make my reality and it begins with my being
  • Breath, ground, be present

These discoveries have helped me understand power and faith in more authentic and graceful ways. When I say I feel fear and it almost cripples me, it is because as I reopen to the world I am stepping into my true power which is beyond measure, scrutiny, and control. As Marianne Williamson best describes it in her Course for Miracles, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who…[am I]..not to be?” This idea is terrifying.

To you deep fear I say, I see you and know why you are there however you no longer serve me. I reopen to the world now and I embrace my power. I agree to not play small. I take a deep breath. I feel my faith and my guides alongside me. I extend my arms to open my chest. I close my eyes and I take a step.

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